Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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