So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
