He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Dear god my vagina.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
