i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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