I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Michael Bay diarrhea
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
