chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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