I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
