he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
