rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
