What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
