Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
