Someone shit on the floor
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
