Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
