Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize