Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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