i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You left your phone here
Wait...
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
