My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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