1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
