Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
