You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
