I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
