It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
