You don't have asthma, your pregnant
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
