yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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