I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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