the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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