3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
