So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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