when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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