literally had 100 drinks last night.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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