Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
he thought i was a dude.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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