You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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