you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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