we have pet lesbian snakes
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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