Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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