I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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