Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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