No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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