if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
