Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
