My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
