She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
