everyone is single if you try hard enough
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
