i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
