I am in a vortex of obligation.
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
