I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
