And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Randomize