Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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