I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
