.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
