i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
