We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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