Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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