I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
