I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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