Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
