im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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