Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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