I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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