Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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