We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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