I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
