Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize