maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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